Coercive Control
As survivors of child sexual abuse, it is widely accepted that we were controlled through grooming whether it was manipulation, flattery, violence, or other ways, simply so the abuser could exploit us.
What is less discussed is the coercive control that lay underneath all of it.
What that meant (for some of us), is that we weren’t just controlled through sexual abuse, there was also the emotional and physical manipulation as well.
How that impacted us was we had no opportunity to live or behave in a way that was truly ours. It meant that we were reliant on that person to manage how our days unfolded, whether we were in their presence or not.
I’m looking at the broader picture here because as children the impact was that we had no real chance of experiencing life the way we should have, we were controlled through words, actions and sometimes even just a look, which would be enough to silence us and shut us down completely.
The issue with being controlled from childhood means it is difficult to have self-belief and therefore the ability to make decisions and follow what we truly want.
This means we can be shut down with our spirit being crushed. We need to be aware that this does follow us into adulthood and have us repeat the pattern of someone deciding how we should live and therefore behave.
We know we experience this when we start to feel less than, or that we are losing who we are. We see this play out in close personal relationships, and notice that it is habitual and an unconscious pattern that is being followed.
A thought worth considering is that once you know something you cannot unknow it and believing that everything that happens is taking you to healing and capacity to live in joy, means that you will be able to experience this, manage it, and then overcome it so that you are living a full and healed life.
Everything that happens to you, began with everything that did happen from childhood, and who you are today is the result of all those experiences.
Who you are is not just defined by what happened to you. You are so much more than that, and the gift is you get the option to evolve and grow into yourself more fully every single day. You have worked too hard and for too long to have your voice controlled or your life one of subjugation and submission.
If you are aware there is still a part of you that is allowing this, first up, be gentle with yourself, it is a signal to you that there is an opportunity for growth and more healing so that it can be released from you once and for all. You will always repeat the same pattern of behaviour until the lesson is fully learned accepted and understood.
Once it has been dealt with you are free to move on to an even greater level of joy within meaningful relationships.
You have worked too hard for too long not to have the experience of deep meaningful connection without control. Take back your mantle of honour and power and live from that space.
Never forget who you are and just in case you need reminding:
You are an overcomer; you are a thriver you are a survivor, and you are to be honoured for managing your life the incredible way that you have so far. There is nothing but joy and good times ahead.
Straighten your crown and get out there and enjoy your life!