Sex and Adult Survivors

The sex lives of survivors is rarely discussed.
There are many reasons as to why, but it’s time to look at how the abuse impacted you.

Sexual activity as an adult will and can feel challenging at times for all survivors, but for some of us, the discomfort around experiencing sexual feelings, the energy it fuels and the personal connection it requires, can feel overwhelming.
This is a natural consequence of being sexually abused as a child.

When considering intimacy, touch and relationships, please honour yourself wherever you are at, and just accept the feelings you have, especially the uncomfortable ones. It is entirely natural, for instance, to feel guilt because you experience pleasure in bed. It could stem from being groomed and conditioned that ‘it was somehow your fault’ the abuse even occurred. There will naturally be confusion or some of the desires you have may feel embarrassing or just not what you consider normal. Equally you may be a person who’s decided to not engage in sexual activity much at al,l or have chosen to become celibate. Wherever you are in this, know that however you feel is entirely appropriate for where you’re at right now, and I would encourage you to treat yourself with compassion and grace. On the other hand, if you are feeling concerned that you should want to have a normal sex life, please accept there shouldn’t be guilt attached and that it may be worth working that through with a counsellor or someone skilled in sex therapy with survivors.

Sex is an entirely normal function, and what needs reminding, is that it’s part of being human. But because we had abusers or predators who were prepared to destroy our innocence and steal that basic human function – it’s left us with very complex feelings. Now add into the mix that we were children or young people at the time, so we didn’t have the ability to understand or process any of that at all.
Our brains were not developed enough.

Please don’t do what you have probably already been doing, pathologising yourself in this space. Sometimes it’s easier for us to make ourselves weird or wrong when in fact it’s just a direct consequence of what happened because we were sexually abused. Think of it this way: If someone was physically beaten as a child, you would not be surprised if they felt uncomfortable or flinched when someone lurches towards them in an angry fashion, would you? So, as an adult when you translate that over to sexual feelings, you’ll find it is a similar thing, even to the point where you dissociate at times.

At the core of you will be sexual feelings, desires and longings (all entirely appropriate), it is after all, how the human body was designed – but your mind can trigger you in feeling unsafe, wrong or even guilty especially when there’s pleasure involved.

I think it’s important to have these discussions so that we don’t make ourselves more wrong than we already have, or beat ourselves up for feeling either desire, fear or guilt around it. Go and get some advice if any of this speaks to you and you are struggling. Please know this is just the beginning of conversations like these and they’re long overdue. They need to be had, and they need to be had more frequently.
Finally, to you Beautiful Survivor, just be you, acknowledge who you are, and take your power back where and how you can.
And by the way; you are completely safe here.